Selfish people talk about being selfish

Kenneth Hynek • 7th Aug 2009 • Stray Thoughts, Asteroid overdue, Stray Thoughts, Just Plain Dumb, Society, Men and Women, Health, Parenting, Stray Thoughts, Secularism makes you stupid
freedom of speech, Maclean's, marriage, Sex

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Seriously…the first few paragraphs of the article read, basically, as follows: “I…me…we…me…I…I…we…me…we…we…I…” (and actually, it made the whole thing substantially more understandable to read it that way; the other words were just distractions from this central point of the piece).

Fine, we get it: you’ve chosen not to have kids because, in your view, they can “hurt your career, your marriage, your social life, your bank book. Why bother?”

What do you want, a cookie? Here’s a (certified organic!) dog biscuit instead…go dote on your dog, Marcus. Nevermind the fact that the dog probably costs you just as much as having a baby would, and nevermind the fact that you probably dote on him so much that your friends mutter about how you’ve over-anthropomorphized the damn thing behind your back. The important thing is that he’s a dog, not a child, and so can be abandoned at home while you pursue your career…whatever that is.

H.J.M. White has it exactly right: the remark about the dog (Marcus!) tells you everything you need to know about the couple in the article. To which, I can only add (as one of White’s commenters also notes) a vote of thanks to this couple, whoever they are…it’s gratifying to know that they will not bring forth any children whose minds they can then poison with their “it’s really all about me” attitude toward life.

Okay, let’s grant a point: raising a baby is difficult. It’s not actually that much of an additional financial burden, unless you opt to feed the kid formula instead of breast milk. But it’s actually more likely, in the long run, that having a baby will help your career because of the character growth doing so demands of you. And while a baby can be stressful for a married couple to adjust to (believe me, I know!), that’s a remarkably short-term view of things: long-term, a couple will find their relationship will deepen…especially as the wonder of watching a little person grow up and learn begins to build. Besides, a bit of strife and tension in a marriage is a good thing every once in a while; a couple that really has it together will find ways to turn those trials into means of strengthening and deepening their shared bond and commitment. Your Sex life might take a bit of a hit, which is never a fun reality to contemplate…but then, hopefully you got married for reasons other than just the sex.

So what’s left? Well, granted, having a kid does kind of impact your social life…if your social life consists entirely of going to bars, clubs, and movie theatres. But that’s kind of an empty and somewhat vacuous social life to begin with, because in such venues you’re not so much socializing as you are finding opportunities, with others, for mutual shared distraction. If by social life you mean quality one-on-one time with friends in which the venue is not important, having a baby can actually be a bit of a booster; if nothing else, it sets up a context in which a plethora of pseudo-aunties and pseudo-uncles can come for a visit. Having a baby is also, in a certain sense, an opportunity to expand your social sphere a bit; “Mom’s Groups” are put together by many community health facilities to enable new mothers with babies of similar ages to meet up and hang out.

Granted, it won’t be the “urban socialite” lifestyle. Granted, some days it will be just you and the baby, and you’ll crave adult contact at the end of it.

But think of it this way: you can spend your day playing with a little person and watch, day and week by day and week, the light of understanding turn on in their eyes, accompanied by joy after overwhelming joy as they seek out new opportunities to learn new things (how to sit up, how to crawl, how to walk, how to eat solid food, how to form words…).

Or you can spend your day playing with Marcus, who, at the top of his game, can roll over. Maybe. If there’s a biscuit in it for him.

But then, there’s a deeper problem than just misinformation in the Maclean’s article in which these people preen and display their childlessness with pride. That problem, of course, is selfishness; you can’t be selfish when you have kids.

And that’s probably their real problem, underneath all their hasty justifications. They’re not really worried about their careers, their social life, their bank book…they’re not worried about the objects as much as they’re worried about the “their.” Having a baby would mean they have to focus on the baby more than on themselves.

And they can’t have that! No, siree. This story gets the “Freespeechery” image attached to it for two reasons, neither of which are related directly to freedom of speech: it’s a Canadian story, and it demonstrates an incredible brokenness.

But nevermind that! C’mere, Marcus! Biscuit!